Having a baby was easy being a parent is hard...

When Emerson was first born I felt like I had a total grasp on having a baby. The transition was relatively simple. It was for all intents and purposes exactly as I had expected. Less sleep, painful nipples for a while, but over all my life stayed the same. I could take Emerson everywhere, stick her in a wrap and off we went. Grocery shopping, momma baby yoga, visiting friends, days out with dad. She was a trooper, totally relaxed, could nap anywhere, breastfeeding left us unencumbered; as long as we were together life was good. Then she turned 6 months old, she started being too curious to nap out and about, she started to put everything in her mouth, and she needed time at home to practice crawling and being mobile.

Suddenly, I felt tied down. I couldn't do whatever I wanted. Life HAD to change. Oh! And we found out we're expected a second child and I really felt tied down. I vented my frustrations on facebook and the outpouring of encouragement and "this is totally normal" was amazing. I've been pondering what this means for me. It can at times feel like I am loosing myself, like I have to give up all these things. And the truth is I do. I'm a mom now. But I can also take advantage of the nicer moments; like playing in the livingroom with Emerson and Thor. Or going for a run on Friday morning while she naps in the buggy.

I have to say, embracing this new stage by enjoying time at home with my kiddo, by taking the time to prepare meals ahead of time (before the work week starts) and by embracing the alone time that I've been craving while she naps has been liberating. It's better than trying to ignore that life is different. I actually like this new phase. Bring on that second kid.

Mother's Day on Tuesday

Sunday was my first Mother's Day as a mother. I had no idea the pressure I was in for. In the days leading up to it, TV commercials bombarded us with ads for chocolate, KFC chicken so mom doesn't have to cook, and bracelets from Kay Jewelers. It's poised as a day (1 day a year) for mom to be selfish...to put herself above her family.

Growing up my family wasn't big on the hallmark holidays, so I didn't have grand expectations of the day. Although, I have to admit secretly a day to be selfish was appealing. Life has been...complicated. Motherhood is selfless and hard and thankless (at least right now). I told my husband and my daughter, all I wanted was to go for a run at the end of the day. As the day was winding down I donned my running gear scooped up my girl, grabbed the buggy and off we went. I was thrilled, exhilarated, for about 5 minutes. Then E. started to fuss. I tried giving her her pacifier. I tried walking at an even pace. I even tried holding her to help her sleep. All to no avail. In a near state of tears with a hysterical baby in my arms I called my husband. "Can you come get us?" We needed a rescue.

*pre-meltdown

I'm not proud of myself in the moments leading up to our rescue. I was complaining out loud about how pissed I was. It was Mother's Day! Didn't I deserve something! It was MY day, the TV had been telling me so for weeks.

 A story my dad tells popped into my head a day later. One night we as a family we're chatting about how we only prayed at the dinner table when company was around. One of us asked why. My dad said because it made more sense to thank Mom for cooking (because little kids tend to complain. "Green beans again?! I hate chicken!") Than to pray and leave her unthanked. I like that better than one day a year of selfishness for mom. It feels better, peaceful, uplifting for the whole family. It fits with the notion of loving each other everyday. 

Today E. woke up at 5a. She ate. We cuddled. And then I realized what a gift, I had time to go for a run before the whirlwind of the day! Dad offered to stay in bed with our little princess so I could have the whole 45 min to myself! 

Mother's Day on Tuesday!

SOAKED WHOLE WHEAT & CINNAMON RIASIN BREAD

I've been thinking a lot about nourishment recently. Maybe it's being a new mom and breastfeeding. Maybe it's always been a curiosity and maternity leave has given me the space to explore. Maybe it's the influence of our pediatrician who strongly believes in the power of food and nutrition for health. Maybe it's all of the above (probably this one). Baking has always intimidated me, but I've been branching out. Today I tried my hand at bread. It turned out BEAUTIFULLY!

SOAKED WHOLE WHEAT & CINNAMON RAISIN BREAD

INGREDIENTS

1 c. whole milk (I use raw)
1 1/4 c. water
5 1/2 - 6 c. whole wheat flour
2 Tbs apple cider vinegar
2 tsp sea salt
4 tsp active dry yeast
1/4 c. honey





For Cinnamon Raisin Bread:
2-3 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 c. honey
1/2 c. raisins

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In the bowl of a stand mixer, combine milk, water, vinegar and flour (one c. at a time). The dough should be sticky and a bit stiff. Cover the bowl with a towel. Allow to sit overnight (12-24 hrs.).
2. After the soaking period, add the honey, salt, and yeast to the flour mixture. Attach the dough hook and knead dough for 8-10 minutes. Depending on the flour, you may need a 1/2 c. more flour to reach stiff, workable dough.
3. Cover the bowl with a towel. Allow the dough to rise in a warm place for 1 - 1 1/2 hrs. until doubled in size.
4. Once doubled in size, gently punch down and form the dough into two equal balls.
5. If making sandwich bread, roll one ball with a rolling pin into a rectangular shape. Roll dough into a loaf and place in a buttered bread pan.
6. If making Cinnamon Raisin Bread, roll one ball with a rolling pin into a rectangular shape. Spread the dough with honey, then sprinkle the 2-3 teaspoons of cinnamon, and 1/2 c. of raisins. Roll the dough into a loaf and place in a buttered bread pan.
7. Preheat the oven to 350F.
8. Cover the pans with a towel and allow to rise as oven preheats (30 minutes).
9. Bake for 40 minutes.
10. Allow to cool before slicing.

*Thanks to Kristin and her blog Livesimply.me for the great recipe!!

Caffeine on the go...

Homemade coffee shots. YUM!

How Shall I Pray?

How shall I pray?
    Are tears prayers, Lord?
    Are screams prayers,
        or groans
            or sighs
                or curses?
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
    or clenched fists
        or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
            or the cramps that knot my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
    my real prayers,
        rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,
and not just my pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged
    bouquet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
    as I really am,
        messed up mixture of glory and grime?
Lord, help me!
Help me to trust that you do accept me as I am,
that I may be done with self-condemnation
    and self-pity,
        and accept myself.
Help me to accept you as you are, Lord:
    mysterious,
        hidden,
            strange,
                unknowable;
and yet to trust
    that your madness is wiser
        than my timid, self-seeking sanities,
and that nothing you've ever done
    has really been possible,
so I may dare to be a little mad, too.

   

What I've been reading...

Staying home with little E. has give me a little bit of time to do some more longform reading which is great! Here's a look at my recent reading list, gathered almost solely from my twitter friends.

Current events:

• Conflict Risk Alert for South Sudan, Ukraine, Venezuela, Yemen from the International Crisis Group - CrisisWatch Conflict Alert
• POTUS Bungled His Negotiations with Vladimir Putin
• Russia's position explained - The crisis in Crimea could lead the world into a second cold war

Curious Longform:

• Only people with privilege have the time to argue the semantics of #banbossy
• Saving Little Mogadishu by Dorothee Moisan
• The Future Looks Good by Lesley Nneka Arimah
• Branson: Behind the Mask [book review] by David Runciman

Empty Me

Gracious and Holy One,
    creator of all things
        and of emptiness,
I come to you
    full of much that clutters and distracts,
        stifles and burdens me,
            and makes me a burden to others.
Empty me now
    of gnawing dissatisfactions,
        of anxious imaginings,
            of fretful preoccupations,
    of nagging prejudices,
        of old scores to settle,
            and of the arrogance of being right.
Empty me
    of the ways I unthinkingly think of myself as powerless,
        as a victim,
             as determined by sex, age, race,
                 as being less than I am,
                     or as other than yours.
Empty me
    of the disguises and lies
        in which I hide myself from other people
             and from my responsibility
                  for my neighbors and for the world.
Hollow cut in me a space
in which I will find myself,
    find peace and a whole heart,
        a forgiving spirit and holiness,
             the springs of laughter,
         and the will to reach boldly
             for abundant life for myself
                 and the whole human family.